Why Not Be Totally Changed Into Fire?
“Abbot Lot came to Abbot Joseph and said: Father, according as I am able, I keep my little rule, and my little fast, my prayer, meditation, and contemplative silence, and according as I am able, I strive to cleanse my heart of thoughts: now what more should I do? The elder rose in reply and stretched out his hands to heaven, and his fingers became like ten lamps of fire. He said: Why not be totally changed into fire?”
–Thomas Merton, The Wisdom of the Desert
This moment only happens once.
This day, this year, this lifetime—out of all possible lives in the infinity of this universe and all others, this is the one you are living right now.
This is what you have to offer to the Beloved. These hands and their works, this voice, these words, this soul and all its yearning. Yours and no one else’s.
Why not be totally changed into fire?
This life is strange and precious. Every blink of an eye, and every beat of the heart could make you cry out in wonder. The more you learn, the more the vast horizon of the unknown spreads before your sight.
The less you cling to knowing, the more beauty you find in the unknowable, the paradoxical, the sudden glimpse into the abyss which turns everything upside-down.
The less you need to know, the more you are burning and burning until there is no one left to know or not to know, to believe or not to believe—and you are flying into the sun.
Why not be totally changed into fire?
This life is strange and precious. In it, there will be tender moments, sweet moments, moments you wish could last forever. There will be pain and loss, injustice, and wonderful things gone before you are ready to say goodbye. With everyone you love, there will be a last embrace, a last shared laugh, a last phone call.
This life is only yours. No one else knows the world the way you do. And you know it only in this way.
Why not be totally changed into fire?
And you can live your totally ordinary, unremarkable human life, with its tenderness and pain unlike anyone else’s—just like everyone else’s—while on the inside, you are a white-hot flame.
You are like an ember, gone dark but not yet cold, carrying fire within.
You are like the night sky reflected in a pool of water. So small the image, so vast the reality.
You are like the line between water and sky when night falls at sea.
And although you are like so many things, also you are not like anything but yourself.
O Beloved, you are unlike earth or sky or fire or water. You are unlike time, although you are time itself. You are something other than life or death, although you shine within the growth and decay of all forms.
The more I approach You, the farther away You appear. Yet You are the Soul of souls, the secret whisper of my heart, closer to me than body or mind or soul. When I am empty, you fill me with Yourself, so I pray to be made so empty there is nothing of me left and only You remain.
Why not be totally changed into fire?
Naveen is a Hridaya teacher and a frequent contributor to our blog. You can read all of her posts here.
