At first, walking into the unknown was about letting go the external branches: the love relationship, the job, and the project of buying my own apartment. Then, it felt like walking on water… or floating in the clouds. Who am I without all this? A dance between an intoxicating freedom and a freezing fear… the newly discovered beauty leaving my eyes wide open and the loneliness of a tiny planet lost in the infinite sky.
Who am I when there is so little left of my life? Am I still alive? Am I real or am I dreaming?
I served myself a meal made of the void. It had a bittersweet taste. It hurt… sometimes softly and tenderly; at other times, the pain entered my bones and shook my whole being.
Meditation opened my eyes. I could see the clouds, the plants, the animals in a way I had never seen them before. I watched the same tree for hours, for days, for months… and it was always new.
But the pain was there. And the question “How to live in this void?” hurt me from inside. How to live without plans, ambitions… without the future?
The only answer I received was: trust. Trust in the Heart. This path is about walking into the Unknown. Taking steps in the air. Surrendering to not knowing…
Oh, how difficult it was for my scientific mind! There were moments when the need to have something solid for my shaky feet was a drug addict’s craving. I complained:
Too much void, dear Heart.Do you know the word “moderation”? What is it all about? Where are you guiding me? Do you want me to lose my mind?
The Heart didn’t discuss. It opened a magical window to the Unknown. And I couldn’t even see clearly what was on the other side. I fell in Love with the Mystery. I felt so much and understood so little.
This love story goes on. A lover without a face seduces me in a wordless language. When it hurts, he embraces me with invisible arms. Sometimes he sings inside me. And this song feels as if he were trying to tell me something:
-I will be with you… always, always. I will guide you through life. I will guide you through death. Take my hand. Trust me. There is nothing to fear. -How can I trust you? I can’t see you. I don’t know you. You are so irrational! -You know my taste, you know my smell, you know my voice. I have always been with you. -I am so scared and I feel so lonely. -I am here. IN YOU. Listen…
I breathe and I listen. He takes my heart and guides me beyond matter, beyond the senses, beyond daily emotions. I am so light. I fly to the other side of the sky. I perceive the taste of my Beloved… freedom.
-Where are you taking me? -Into the Unknown. Are you ready? -I don’t know… I am afraid. How is it there? In the Unknown?
He laughs inside me. I breathe and my wings grow stronger. I keep flying… following the fragrance of my Beloved. Sometimes the never-ending sky feels so lonely. Where am I going? I don’t know. I dive into the void. I follow the echo of the silent note of his voice… the deepest vibration of my heart. It is all I have… and it is enough. He knows it. He knows that I would exchange the world for the slightest touch… the most silent whisper… a bite of the shadow of his Beauty.
Beata is a Hridaya Yoga teacher who recently completed the 49-Day Prathyabhijna Retreat. You can read her reflections on that experience here.
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