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By Beata Kucienska
 
There is a moment in life when you see the futility of all your efforts, ambitions, goals… a moment of crisis that is the beginning of a deep journey inside.

In such a moment, you might find a spiritual school, like Hridaya Yoga, and realize that life itself is a journey into the Heart and everything you have done is part of the search for this essence of life. Your ambitions, dreams, projects, goals, efforts, relationships… all of them have been elements of this subconscious search.

Now, your search becomes more conscious, less random… you may fall in love with yoga, meditation, silent retreats… start a life of spiritual practice and touch the levels of reality that words cannot express.

A process of deep transformation is taking place in your soul. It is beautiful, painful, and, sometimes, confusing.

The Heart reveals its deeper and deeper layers. You touch its mystery and tremble, feeling like this Holy Grail is beyond understanding… that the object of your search and your longing transcends life.

You ask the question “Who am I?,” and the “I” becomes infinite… it contains all the love and pain of human existence.

And, in the middle of this existence, there is you… with your life, family, friends, limited time on Earth, and tasks to fulfill. You are moving inside of infinity.

How do you live this life with a heart that has lost its ambition? With the understanding that there is nothing outside that can bring fulfillment?

Right now, I am carrying this question inside. I spent nine months in silence in different retreats and it is a time of return to “normal life.” I observe the dance of samsara and nirvana… I feel impermanence and void… the union of life and death… the pain of dying, of being so small and transitory.

I am not self-realized, and the intuition of the infinite Heart feels scary. And, right here is this little human who touched infinity and has to live with this experience.

Every moment feels like a step into the void… the delight of the birds, trees, and cherries, and the fear of death in the middle of beauty…

So much joy in life… and sadness of passing away with every moment…

Death penetrates all the cells of my being and brings sacredness to life…

I feel the void inside of light and matter… a dream that breaks my heart…

What is left? My humanity! In the middle of my Heart, there is this confused, tiny human with her body, mind, and emotions… with her pain, vulnerability, and beauty… with her wonderment at children, cats, and the laws of physics. The divine, infinitesimal element of the Universe… nothing and everything…

Today, I am bowing to my humanity. I am bowing to this divine dream. I am bowing to this body and mind and to these emotions. I am bowing to the nature around me and to my wonderment at it. Today, I am sending a silent prayer: God, please, let me see You in every moment, in every beat of my heart, every breath, every touch, every joy and pain. Let me be aware that there is nothing but You…
 
 
Beata is a Hridaya Yoga teacher and frequent contributor to our blog. You can read all her posts here.