I’ve been sitting on a post for this blog about my experiences “bringing my practice home” to the real world (wait for it, it’ll be here soon) mostly because I’m not really home yet. Honestly, I’m not even sure where home is these days. Sometimes it feels like my entire life is in a state of constant transit from one temporary location to another and I can’t help by wonder if everyone’s life isn’t like that, in one way or another.
We are all on a journey from one place to the next.
But we are creatures who love to measure time, put pins on the board of our lives to show where we have been and where we are going. These events are marked in the moments that change our lives. Even if those moments were days, or weeks, or months, or years, or lifetimes in the making. Somehow we can boil down our experiences of the shift to brief, singular instants where all of a sudden everything seems different.
In my time in Mazunte, during the Hridaya Silent Meditation Retreat and Module One course, these moments came frequently but often at the least expected moments. If you don’t mind me getting terribly personal, I wanted to share with you a few of the insights I had during these moments, relating to the different aspects of my being about Body Mind Sex Soul.
It’s amazing how the meditation guidance one day can make me feel held, comforted, guided home… And the next day they make me want to scream. The mind is a fickle friend who likes to think she always tells the truth, but the truth changes every day.
An incredible lightness of being exists inside me. Effortlessness. Detachment. Rising, sinking, dissolving. That one moment of thoughtlessness, that lightness, that bliss of rising to meet God, such incredible beauty. These few seconds of bliss seem so fleeting, before the body reasserts itself and the mind once again fills with thoughts. But it is there! To know it is there keeps me coming back, staying still when the body wants to be heard.
Is the body afraid that I won’t come back from the bliss if it doesn’t call me?
The physicality is the hardest part. The body doesn’t know what to do with all this sitting, stretching, moving. Feel the tightness and soften. Move deeper. Heal. Stop fighting and observe. Perseverance. Love. Loosen the knots, pull out old stitches from old wounds. Feel relief, open more, flow freely. Bliss.
So much bliss. Heart opening. Calm and love and slowly building energy. I can feel my body changing along with my mind.
Loneliness is something I feel when I have not forged the kinds of relationships I desire with the people in my environment. I am comfortable being alone, but I suffer when I resist authentic engagement with others.
The energy builds. The energy rises. I fill my heart with love. I’m going to need it. Feeling excited, inspired, energized, full of power and potential. I have spent so much time rallying against objectification, while I participate in activating others, including the man I love the most.
There is so much more to sex than meets the eye. A whole world that I have only glimpsed, but a world that I know is there. Sometimes I feel desperate, and lonely, and scared, and lost. These are all symptoms of fear, They are a loss of faith in our love, passion, hopes and dreams.
The spark of the soul in the spiritual heart is a prism. Through it, the light of vastness sines, animates the vital body and manifests in physical form according to the body, mind, emotions – reflections of the radiating sun of infinity.
The secret cave of my heart is filled with the salty water of the vast ocean of consciousness, lit from below, a tunnel of light that shines of through the whirl. Sit in the secret cave of the heart and it will teach you everything. It goes on forever, one tiny wave after another, on and on, deeper and deeper, dissolving like clay. Endless ocean. Vast field of energy which contains all things. Be present. Pure. Clear.
The soul seeks pleasure. God seeks the soul. I am God and God is love.
Stillness that is ceaseless movement,
heavy lightness, salt in the sea,
sinking flesh and rising foam,
all of this is me.
Spirit moves inside my chest,
breathes my soul to flames.
gateway to the Divine.
It opens and I expand
into infinite bliss.
~By Bex van Koot, templesacredflame.org