by Ava Irani
To Fully Feel
There are many ways a woman fully feels.
During or after lovemaking, my partner always used to ask me: “What are you feeling? What does that feel like, when you are having such a huge release?” For every woman it must feel different, because for me, every occasion feels different. Here, with my words, let’s engage in a left-brained description of what a deep energetic release feels like. In turn, fertilizing the soil of our minds for a richer, right-brained, experiential understanding of this deeply feminine experience.
In lovemaking, if the energy peaks in a rattling kind of way, and something stirs deep in the fabric of the feminine subconscious, I will feel that stir. Like a stranger scratching on top of a bandage covering a wound. That wound could be a simple cut the body hasn’t quite healed yet, or it could be like a festering, hideous wound, bandage slapped over, in a disgusted attempt to hide it. Either way, the energy has moved towards this wound, starting to probe the bandage. To be clear, these are all stirrings in the subconscious (so that means no words, no labels, no understandings, no frameworks, just feelings and sensations) all emanating from the energy probing the bandage.
Surrender and Vulnerability
Now something else happens, the bandage gets ripped off, Shwwwwit!!!! And fresh air, sunlight, and energy rush to the wound for the first time… AHHHH! If a kind reiki hand rushes to compassionately compress the wound, in the form of a tight hug from my lover, we can move even deeper. I’m safe. I’m totally embraced by the energy of presence and its safety. I’m totally shattered, passing through deeper levels of psychological threat, detaching and releasing identifications with old, incoherent parts of self. Pure vulnerability, and I’m shattered. However, this is not the effect of a release, this is the necessary condition required for release. Only when the feminine can drop into vulnerability and completely surrender to the hands of the present moment, for the depths of the subconscious to unravel, can she fully feel. To fully feel is a deep transformation and expansion of human consciousness.
It’s Not Personal
But how does it feel to fully feel? For me, in an agonizing release in lovemaking, pure suffering reveals itself as an energy. It starts to flow through and out of my physical, trembling body, and out of my physical, sobbing face. Pure suffering has no cause, no personality, no story or attributes. So it actually doesn’t feel “bad.” It feels like suffering, but it is not attached to me. It’s a feeling, not a thought. I have no external cause to blame, no ideas. The mind is not required or even relevant until much after, if at all. The energy of pure suffering, which is part of the collective subconscious mind, is witnessed and experienced. Perhaps we can say it has particular flavors of sadness, hate, frustration, despair, loneliness, anger, etc. But how beautiful that it is not related to me as a personality, just a part of me as the mother of all energy.
To me, to fully feel is an art form. To fully experience a universal energy* requires a proficiency in the art of surrender from the mind and ego in order to sink into the expanses of the feminine, which is pure energy Herself.
To Fully Feel Means Being Present
When we fully feel, we are full, real, present, universal, deeply connected. There is no room for good and bad, craving or aversion, desire or dissatisfaction. We are real. We taste existence without the filters of the mind. The Reality. And we do beautiful work to open up a portal to the resurgence of the yin, feminine principle on the planet. The missing piece to a blissful balanced life. This phenomenon is not limited to females. This is simply a right-brain experience. Check out the TED Talk by Jill Bolte Taylor, a brain scientist that had a stroke, fully knocking out her left brain (the rational, language half of the brain) and leaving her with a purely right-brained experience of oneness.
As humans alive right now, I believe it is our birthright and absolute duty to balance our sensitivity and presence to the energy that is our entire manifested experience. Yoga, meditation, energy, and awareness practices and tools are imperative in this time. Don’t leave yourSelf behind.
* A universal energy is an undifferentiated energy that can be adopted by various points of consciousness and is common to all individual points of consciousness residing in the subconscious as potentiality.
Ava is a Hridaya teacher and the founder of Spanda School in Perth, Australia